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Sunday, 23 August 2009

Waitin' For Superman

The weather is turning and the autumn is already creeping into our bones. It's the same feeling of letting out a really loud, long sigh when it turns to autumn. It's my favorite season, but each year it arrives with the same feelings of dread. Each September, there is always a new part of me that is unfulfilled.

I can't go back to school this fall. It's the first that I haven't. I want to scream, I want to run away. I've put up with lots of disappointments over the years, but to have this door finally closed feels like I drove my car off a pier and I'm sinking and the windows won't break. I don't feel purposeful. This is my life, and what am I doing? It might sound extreme, but it's not easy to live without purpose. I've been here before. Maybe I'm just getting depressed and it seems worse than it is.

My best friend moved away. I think I only really have two. I've never really bonded so quickly with someone. It takes me a while to find people that I want to stick with, and Naomi was one of them. I miss her every day. I don't feel that support in my life anymore that she gave me. I do have other people like Joyce and Nathan, but now a third of my heart is gone, it seems. I just have that teary, exhausted feeling. I've only really worked once this week, and the rest of the days I have been sitting in my room, stewing in my misery, trying to distract myself with fake worlds in literature and drug deals in video games. I've never cuddled so much with the cats. They follow me around with their love and purrs, and sometimes when I'm looking into their big watery eyes I want to sob into their fur.

I feel like Wordsworth, needing somewhere secluded to retreat to, to hide from the woes and vices of the world.

All in all, I feel pathetic and weak.

Saturday, 04 July 2009

Exhale; Another Wasted Breath

I am becoming more bitter than before. I do nothing all day! I work 15 hours a week, and the rest of the time I am pathetic. I mope around. I take extra long showers, I spend extra time doing my hair. All so I can pace around my apartment, waiting to find someone who hates me more than I hate myself. A barista that I frequently talk to at Starbucks asked me one morning what I do with all my free time. I didn't even have a fucking answer. I looked around, waiting for it to come to me, and all that I could say was that "I guess I read a lot." Which is true, it's what I do. I didn't add that I also nap every day, and think up new songs to sing for my cats.

I need to be making more money than this before I go insane.

I have two trips coming up that I am worried will end up being covered by Nathan's wallet. I'm trying to save gas money, but... I can't. Which reminds me that I need to sort out accomodations for us. In September, we're going to see Band of Horses in Victoria. The Vancouver show was completely sold out, and I thought that the Vic show was as well until I realized that you have to go to the venue website and purchase tickets through it. No wonder Vancouver sold out. I bet others made the same mistake I did. But, all is well and the tickets arrived last week. I was devastated when we learned that we missed the ticket sales for Vancouver.

I have nothing important to say. I need to start writing because I am going to enter a contest to try and win some much needed cash.

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

I think that my life has reached quite a low point. I'm happy with my friends and the people that I run into, for the most part, but other than that, and maybe the odd cute houses I see when I bike, I feel nothing more than despair. Despair is a stupid word to use. All I do is go to work 4 times a week, not even for full shifts, come home, sleep, read... Nothing else. I travel between my house and Nathan's, doing nothing, feeling nothing, all the while wondering when I'll feel okay about things. I'm so hateful, spiteful, vengeful, and it shall never stop. I am trying to have a hobby. I am trying to be active. I can't. I spent a few weeks biking to work, but gave that up. The air conditioning in the library doesn't work, so it remains between 25 and 27 degrees every day, and I literally become dizzy while I work, so I'm not too stoked to spend the effort sweating and biking in the sun to get to work in a hot stuffy building. I am running out of energy.

And whatever are my plans for the fall? I decided to give up on school because I will never have the money for it, and informed my mother of this. She got angry, of course, and said there was no way that I would not return, so therefore, she will pay for it all. I don't want to deal with the stress, and I hate UNBC, but I agreed to bite the bullet. I was tired of arguing with her every semester about how it's going to be paid for. I don't have the money for it, I can't even afford to pay to register for the damn classes, and she knows this. Now, she's all pissed off at me for some stupid fucking unknown reason, and not wanting to "give me something I don't deserve." Fine. I already hate my life and think myself a complete failure, why not give me no future to look forward to, because Christ knows I am already doing it. I think the worst part is that I actually picked myself up and returned to school. Like I have the energy to do it again. I saw this coming, and I don't even care. I've given up on my life so much that I am not even bothered by another shutting door. I'm sure she'll change her mind again, however, because who the fuck cares about the rollercoaster of emotions that she puts me through. I honestly wish I never had to see her again. I feel like she's hurt me too much, and that there is only more to come. I wish I could cut her out of my life.

I wish I was a different person. I hate myself, I hate my life. I would kill myself if I was certain that it wouldn't matter.

Sunday, 31 May 2009

Why'd You Want To Live Here

I've kind of stopped blogging. Every time that I would think to do it, I just lost interest. I think I'm tired of my life, tired of talking about it and reliving all of the shit, which I think makes perfect sense. I just need to learn how to tap into my more creative side and maybe start trying to be witty. I used to do that. Instead of always complaining about things and moping around the internet, I could make funny jokes, and write about things that were useful and necessary. It really shouldn't be this complicated. But who knows where things are leading.

I keep trying to make more money and move. My job is, well, shitty. I make very little money, and I am ashamed to say that I can barely make ends meet anymore. All I need is an extra $100 a month, and I think I could breathe. But I won't ever save at this rate, and I'll never get out here. I'm stuck inside my little town. I wish I could find a job, but I just keep waiting. I've applied seemingly everywhere, though I know that there is more that I could do. But I honestly don't know what else to do. I check the newspapers every day, I've contacted so many places before anyone else gets to it, I know I have. But still, every moment that I am not working, I am sitting at home, alone, reading novels until my mind hurts and I cry, watching my cats sleep around my legs. I'm back to napping, too. It might be because I stopped taking my medication, which gave me more energy. I should take it again, but I've become so lazy that swallowing pills seems like such a chore. I've been drinking a lot of free beer lately, too. It seems that somehow, twice a week, I've been able to indulge at someone else's expense, and I am not backing down.

I feel myself falling into another funk. Every day, alone in my room on my computer, filling my mind with books and music. I mean, it sounds pretty perfect, but at this point, it's becoming my depressed escape. I think I should start reading happier books, too.

I guess I feel like I need a fresh start, or a second chance somewhere, something that can make me feel like being alive is worth it.

FUCK.

In other news, I have returned my natural hair color. Not that anyone cares, or really knew what my hair was like before. Anyway, it was red, now it's not. I made it brown again, but gave it a slight red hint to it so that it wouldn't look black. I never realized how dark my hair really was before until I lightened it. HMM. How about that.

Sunday, 03 May 2009

My Favorite Coward

I don't know why I'm so depressed. Every time that I think that I should stay here and try and be happy, it fails; I fail. I don't know where I can possibly run to escape how I feel. What am I thinking? It's not even fucking possible. It's myself that I hate, there is no escape. I don't want to do anything with my life. I probably should move, somewhere I can actually be alone because I just seem to be poisonous to everyone else. It's not like I improve anyone's life by being here. All I know is that this feeling is unbearable, and I am a weak person.